If you’re constantly saying YES to other people, then it’s likely you’re often saying NO to yourself. In others words, regularly people-pleasing is likely to result in you regularly crossing your own boundaries or not meeting your own needs, at least some of the time. This is because it’s unlikely that what is right for someone else, is always right for you too.
In the last post I talked about some of the pros of people-pleasing – it absolutely has its place in interactions and in maintaining relationships.
But people-pleasing can have damaging effects. It’s not uncommon for people go through life valuing other people’s needs and desires more than their own. In time, they might reach a point where they realise this is contributing enormously to unhappiness… and even burnout! Then, (and always!), it’s time to start respecting one’s own needs and boundaries.
Suggestions for increasing your awareness of your people-pleasing moments:
When there is a situation involving another person asking something of you/expecting something from you/wanting you to do something, reflect on:
What is my immediate reaction (in your mind)?
Am I instantly drawn to doing whatever the person is asking of me, simply because they’re asking me?
…Or do I consider doing the thing, but weigh it up more in my mind and how it sits with me personally?
What’s in it for me, if I do the thing? Do I actually want/need to do this thing? If the other person wasn’t a factor, would I still be inclined to do the thing? Or am I only considering doing it to please the other person?
Does it align with my values? Does it actively oppose my values? Or is it relatively neutral to me?
If the task/request doesn’t benefit me personally, is there a way I could go ahead with it, whilst making sure my values/needs are still being respected, and no boundaries of mind are being crossed?
If the task does clash with my own values, is it really worth pursuing? Mindfully choosing to go against your values might be ok if there are other great benefits from doing it.
The key is to find balance between still caring about other people and valuing their needs, whilst also believing your own needs and boundaries are just as important.
Thank you for reading. You’re welcome to share your thoughts by leaving a comment below or get in touch by using the contact form on the website.
Take care
Charlie
Disclaimer – all content is written with love and with the intention of it being helpful. The purpose is to support people in expanding their self-awareness, understanding of others, and move towards inner peace. The author is mindful that the posts may not speak to everyone (or anyone!), so take home only what feels relevant and useful for you. Please get in touch with any queries.
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